So the apocalypse is upon us, social distancing is the new craze, and the world economy has shifted from gold futures to toilet paper and instant pasta.

The gyms are closed, and the streets are full of smug runners… or people whinging that they ‘can’t breathe in a mask’ – in between tweets about their ‘human rights’.

Face masks can be useful

But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom… isolating at home opens up significant opportunity for additional intimacy.

And it seems like many of us around the globe are taking advantage of this, for example:

  • Lelo sales worldwide are up 40%
  • Womaniser sales are also up over 40% against the same time last year
  • Doc Johnson reports sales are “up double digits in January and February compared with the previous year — before rocketing 100% year-over-year for the last five days of March”
  • Sex toy sales in Italy are up 60%, and trending up over 50% for the USA,
  • In the UK, Viagra sales are up 43% and the morning after pill is up almost 30%
  • Here in Australia, adult stores have seen a shift to panic buying of lubricant, batteries, and toy cleaner, and retailer Honey Birdette advises that demand for their male masturbator egg is up 345%, a 145% increase in total sales across their range, and a 50% increase in sales of bondage gear
  • Not to mention that, with all this extra time on our hands at home with our significant others… even pregnancy test sales are up as a result of COVID

And why not? What better opportunity to get to know yourself and your partner/s than while being locked down, flattening the curve, and saving the world?

So what to do in this new world of isolation?

Fun for One

Whilst masturbation is always great… releasing a whole range of chemicals and hormones that ease stress, increase relaxation, boosts immunity, and is a great way to combat boredom… sometimes it can get a bit ‘same-same’, especially if you’ve been a wanker for 2 decades like I have.

I’ve already stated above that random hook-ups in person are not a great idea from a safety perspective, but there’s very little risk attached to online shenanigans.

I say this as a happily married man, so I’m not interested in messing around… so this tip is more a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ kind of thing.

Anyway… fire up Zoom, or Skype, or whichever party chat app is the flavour of the week and find some like minded people to entertain (or to entertain you).

Discussion boards on social media, particularly reddit or twitter, can help you find others with the same interests as you who may be willing to engage in an online hook-up / chat / jerk or rub session.

REMEMBER : Sanitise, Play, Clean Up

If you’re more interested in consuming content than interacting, then check out onlyfans. You will likely find content creators serving up your specific flavour or kink, and the money you pay goes directly to the creator as opposed to something like pornhub (which is notorious for hosting videos of questionable origin). There’s been a boom in everyday people getting onto onlyfans as a result of the COVID environment… so there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to find something of interest.

Fuck it, set up your own onlyfans… maybe make a few dollars and entertain some people at the same time.

If you do… remember to send me a free link 🙂

And make sure you check your blinds before doing anything in this post, with so many people on lockdown there’s a much better chance your neighbours are also home… and an uncovered window might make the next BBQ (when we can finally have them again) a bit more awkward.

Anyway, if they want to see you fly your freak flag, they should subscribe to your onlyfans 🙂

If this guy is your neighbour, don’t drink anything he hands you…

Capture for posterity

Arts and crafts is one way that bored folk all over the world seem to be dealing with their isolation situation.

I’m not suggesting you crack out the crochet hook and whip up some new doilies for the sideboard… there are some great ‘adult themed’ art options. Personally, I love the idea of an evening with my wife, a bottle of moderately priced red wine, and one of the Allure Art kits.

However, if your craft skills are a bit more advanced, if you know how to knit (or are interested in learning), why not check out Domiknitrix: Whip Your Knitting Into Shape

Bob Ross knows what’s happening

Just to be clear, I wont be doing this, I’m not arty. The one time where I tried to paint my (rather attractive) girlfriend’s portrait for a highschool art project, she ended up looking like she could pull a child into a black and white photograph.

She looked like something you’d find in a skip out the back of Jim Henson’s workshop.

And so ended my short career in the visual arts… now I write about kink. I think it turned out for the best.

’I’m flying, Jack…’

Iso Ideas…

Have a cock, or know someone who does?

Grab yourself a Clone a Willy kit, put on some candles, log into your favourite site (or trawl your favourite thread), and get to preserving your penis for future generations to come.

Vagina owners aren’t neglected here either…

Judging by my emails, there are plenty of vagina owner/operators who read this blog. You too have the option to clone what you’re working with, just grab yourself a Clone a Pussy kit

Plays well with others

This is a great excuse to broaden your horizons… learn your preferences, explore your kinks, research your chosen perversion. Try some roleplay with your partner/s, switch up your positions, check out YouTube tutorials on erotic massage and treat your wife / husband / partner.

Check out couples toys… why not broaden your experience with handcuffs, cockrings, sleeves, position guides, new lubes, bondage, or pegging?

Femplayondemand gives you the opportunity to purchase a stream adult videos of pretty much any persuasion… from hardcore, to kink, to romantic, even instructional and educational.

Cratejoy (if available in your area) does loot crate subscriptions of adult products… an opportunity to be exposed to new items that you otherwise not pick out for yourself at a reasonable price.

Or take it back a notch and do something romantic… order some nice meals, light some candles, and reconnect with your significant other.

Long distance love

Ever since I started playing Tom Clancy’s The Division 2 on xbox one, I’ve known the pleasure and the pain of being fucked over the internet. 

Aside from the troves of 13 year olds who revel in informing me that they have had intimate relations with my Mum, the internet offers a plethora of ways to engage with your erotic side during lockdown.


Whilst I’ve already spoken about online content in this piece… another area that I am becoming more interested in (as it matures and better products are developed) is the emerging world of teledildonics

We aren’t at the point of having truly lifelike ‘sex robots’, there are some products out there that promise the ability to interact with another person without having to be in the same room.

We’re not talking about cheap novelty vibrating panties here… companies like KIROO have toys that can connect partners from anywhere in the world – no matter the genitalia in use.

There are a number of companies dedicated to bringing the world products that allow people to ‘play over the internet’., for example, is an ‘open-source standards and software project for controlling intimate hardware, including sex toys, fucking machines, electrostim hardware, and more.‘

A word of caution though, teledildonics is still in its infancy, and privacy laws have struggled to adequately control the current amount of data harvested from users in our day to day lives (how much does Facebook or Google know about us at the moment?)

Do we really want companies to be able to track our orgasms, fetishes, or partners?

One of the best known ‘connected’ adult toy companies – WeVibe – was, in 2017, ordered to pay compensation to users due to the device collecting users data without their consent. I’m sure that their systems have been strengthened over the intervening years, and the lawsuit sent a strong message to toy-makers that client privacy is important… but in this age of connected devices it pays to do your homework and see how much control you have over the data being transmitted or collected.

So, it says here that he’s spent over $400 in batteries, while simultaneously searching online for something called the ‘Mississippi Birdbath’

Stay Safe

It’s important to not forget existing safety protocols… whilst COVID-19 may be the new kid on the block when it comes to infectious disease, it doesn’t mean the standard sexually transmitted infections have gone on holiday.

All the normal nasties are still around, and still as dangerous and problematic as ever.

In particular, isolation means putting a stop to casual encounters… while there is no evidence that COVID-19 is sexually transmissible via vaginal or anal intercourse… kissing, licking and other similar activities carry a risk.

Dr Carlos E Rodríguez-Díaz (a professor at George Washington University’s Milken Institute School of Public Health) has said that ‘there is evidence that faecal-oral transmission is possible, so analingus is probably not advisable if you’re concerned.’ Health organisations advise that any intimate acts only be carried out with someone you know, trust, and are already involved with.

Remember, if you’re close enough to fuck, you’re close enough to catch.

Maybe just delete the hookup apps for the time being, just to be on the safe side.

Your biggest sexual organ…

Get your mind out of the gutter

Mental health is just as important as physical health… sex can only relieve the boredom and anxiety for so long, and you need to make sure you have other avenues if you start feeling too disconnected or down.

Keep in touch with family and friends. Even social media can help you find your ‘ tribe’… people into the same things as you (whether it be gardening, motorsports, doll collecting, whatever you like)… and having something you enjoy can help you to feel grounded.

There are many online mental health services, some you can phone, or zoom, and others you just text so its a faceless / anonymous interaction. I’ll refrain from posting any links to these here, as I know many of my readers are not from Australia and I don’t want to give any incorrect numbers.

The one exception I will make is to BeyondBlue’s coronavirus page. Here you will find some excellent resources on almost every aspect of coronavirus impact on mental health… from singles, to children, to the elderly. Take the time a read a few things, you might find it useful.

Final Word

I know that the environment we are all navigating at the moment isn’t an easy one, but it’s important that we maintain as much of our ‘old’ lives as we can.

We need to enjoy ourselves, enjoy each other, enjoy online adult store shopping, same day delivery, high speed internet, and fast food.

We’ll get through this.