Blink 182 All the small things album cover
This is not a Blink182 review

To begin, I am by no means an expert at chastity play. It’s something of a newly developed interest of mine. I recently posted a review of the Birdcage – which was my first experience in this world.

Ultimately, I found it a bit of fun, and was interested in taking the experience further. When I googled chastity devices and searching through ‘normal’ adult shops, everything seemed very ‘samey’… everyone sold the same stock, just at varying price points. Not to mention that many of the adult store descriptions of the chastity cages were a simple cut-and-paste verbatim wording from the product packaging, leaving me wanting some more in-depth information on the products from people more interested in the kink.

After undertaking some more research online, I stumbled upon A specialty provider of chastity devices… and nothing else. As a result, my review is two-fold… partly on the device itself, and party on my experiencing purchasing from LocktheCock.

Chastity cage Disclaimer

To be completely clear, this is not a sponsored post. I purchased from this company with my own money, and did not advise them that I was considering reviewing their product. This is a completely independent and honest review based on my experience, and has not been influenced by lockthecock in any manner. That said, I’m always open to a sponsored post, so long as the provider knows that that my integrity is not for sale… my reviews will always be honest, transparent, and hilarious (that last point is subjective).

Time to Lock The Cock…

To begin LocktheCock has a wide selection of products of varying designs, styles, and price points. Their selection is more mainstream than the bespoke devices you can find on some websites… which I was more than fine with as I do not envision myself getting so into the scene that I’m interested in dropping multiple hundreds of dollars on a hand-made chastity belt – though they are beautiful, and I’ll gladly take one off your hands if you have one lying around 🙂

At LocktheCock, the cage that caught my eye was the ‘Good Things (Don’t) Cum In Small Packages’ device, primarily because it came with the option to set up the device to suit users with a Prince Albert piercing.

A new chastity cage
This is it, in all its red and black resin-y glory.

As a proud rocker of a Prince Albert, this was very intriguing. The Prince Albert addition makes the device more secure than a standard cage… providing almost no ability for your cock to escape its prison as it is held in place by the piercing.

Not that the device is only usable by those of us with a genital piercing – it ships with a standard fitting in addition to the Prince Albert one – so it is suitable for any user interested in the style.

Additionally, the cage comes with a number of different base ring sizes as standard – making it easy to find one that fits you closely. It also has an enclosed lock system, as opposed to an exposed padlock, which negates the issue of ‘rattling’ as you walk (as discussed in my review of the Birdcage).

Before purchasing, I took the opportunity to cruise around the website a bit… and was impressed to see the amount of information on offer for people interested in chastity play – reviews on items, articles on the lifestyle, and advice for both wearers and keyholders. All the posts are easy to read, readily accessible, non judgemental, and provide excellent information for those new to the scene (like myself). This gave me a sense of comfort purchasing from lockthecock, as I felt like I was in the hands of people who understood chastity play.

Buying experience…

The ordering process was simple and straight forward. The website is easy to search, product information is readily available, adding items to the cart, checkout and payment is pain free.

Here comes my first point if contention… I purchased from lockthecock because I believed it was an Australian based site (its a dot com dot au) and therefore the delivery timeframes would be faster. This is not the case, the item took a few weeks to arrive, which was frustrating for someone itching to try a new product.

But I do have to say that lockthecock was readily available via email when I emailed them to enquire where my purchase was… responding quickly and providing further tracking information.

When the item arrived, the packaging leaves a lot to be desired. A plain cardboard box (while discrete and non-threatening for my delivery driver!) contained little more than a plastic bag containing the item. I would have appreciated some packaging, any packaging, to make me feel like this item hadn’t just fallen off the back of a truck somewhere. But this really is a minimal complaint… the cage is the main reason I made the purchase and it arrived as described, undamaged, and ready for use.

What is this, a cock cage for ANTS?

Zoo lander meme
Tortology – useful in headings and images!

Here comes my second point of contention… the device is REALLY small. I recognise that this is exactly what is on offer on the site description, so the fault really is mine I guess for not measuring. However, it took a couple of goes to apply the cage simply because my dick would not fit.

Application is as you would expect… slide your balls through the appropriately sized ring, followed by your shaft. You then slide the base plate (including the Prince Albert hook) onto your cock and through your piercing, before clipping the side pieces and head onto the cage and trying to line everything up for locking.

This sounds a lot easier than it actually is. To begin, the side arms fall out of the device at the drop of a hat during the process, and can’t be reinstated unless both arms are fully extended – if one drops out, you have to release the other to put it back in. This adds complexity when you are trying to lock your old-fella up into what is a very small space. Especially when it came to lining everything up in order to insert the locking mechanism… this took half-a-dozen attempts to get right without something falling out, or falling off, or getting pinched.

My cock seemed to be simply too large for the device during installation. It pushed the sides off, it got caught numerous times between the plastic parts when trying to lock up (with a very uncomfortable skin pinch), and it seemed to bulge out of the sides once locked. I’m a 6 foot 4 inches tall 100 kg hairy Aussie bloke… and pretty much in proportion overall I think. I guess whinging about the ‘Small Things’ is akin to me purchasing a Fiat Punto with an expectation spacious comfort… not going to happen. This isn’t some kind of ‘humble-brag’, I’m by no means a porn star in the pants… it’s just a statement of fact. 

Shaquille and a small woman.
Mate, it’s not gonna fit.

That said, once fully locked up… the device is actually quite comfortable. The resin material the cage is manufactured from causes a certain amount of drag on base of your balls that can can result in uncomfortable chafe initially – requiring adjustment until you can get it ‘just right’. I found that – once I was locked up tight – going for a warm bath or shower relaxed everything (and provided enough lubrication) for me to man-handle my member into the right position in the cage where it no longer caught, pinched, or compressed.

You wear it well…

Rod Stewart Wear It Well album cover
Also, not a Rod Stewart review

This is where the cage comes into its own. After taking the time to stuff everything in properly, the device is actually very easy to wear. It sits proud – the lightness of the plastic stopped any issue of it slipping down my cock, or becoming uncomfortable. With the Birdcage, I found myself adjusting the placement regularly throughout the day, which I wrote off as a fairly standard downside of wearing a chastity cage. This is not the case with the ‘Small Things’… once in place, it did not move.

The Prince Albert hook secured my junk in place without irritation, and the design allowed enough air flow to stop any issues of sweat from building up (no one wants a funky cock), allowed me to pee without issue, as well as facilitating ease of cleaning.

I have been able to wear the cage to work throughout the week without any concerns, as well as during my daily shopping and extracurricular activities. It’s diminutive size allows it to fit in your favourite underwear without stretching them out of shape, and it doesn’t make a pant-bulge that screams ‘I’m a deviant with a caged dick’… so that’s nice, especially in a conservative office environment. To be clear… wearing a cock cage doesn’t make me a deviant – there’s a laundry list of stuff I like that does that – but it does make life exciting.

The lock works very well, being easily undone with the key if needed.

Smiling man in office
This blokes probably wearing one… look how happy and smug he is.
People don’t know he’s wearing a chastity cage – they just think he’s an arsehole.

Final thoughts…

My initial experience was not positive… installing the cage was a bit of an ordeal for someone new to these kinds of devices, and made me think that maybe I had wasted my money on something that promised a lot but was unable to deliver – leaving me with an understanding how everyone who bought a Betamax, or a Dreamcast, or a Jeep feels. 

The pinching during application was painful and annoying, and the fact that the arms fell off seemingly every time I looked at them made me think I may have made a terrible mistake.

But, after taking a little bit of time to fit the cage properly and adjust myself accordingly… I was both surprised and happy with my purchase. It’s not one I think I’ll wear a lot unless I’m planning long term confinement without release – any attempt at removing and reinstalling the cage would require you work at getting the fit right again. However, if I was planning a long term wear, needing me to install the cage infrequently, this would be a fine choice. Once fitted, it’s comfortable, discrete, and hygienic.

And I would absolutely purchase from again. Their product is exactly what I thought it was, and their service levels were refreshing.

I would make sure that I ordered in enough time to wait for the slightly longer delivery times… no doubt a result of keeping costs affordable. I would be willing to pay additional postage in order to receive the product quicker, but this is ultimately a minor complaint.

I look forward to trying another chastity cage in the not-too-distant future 🙂