Get to the point…
The internet is a lot like Donald Trump… a powerful tool.
As great as having the total sum knowledge of humanity at our beck and call, I think we can all agree that there are many things about the World Wide Web that are infuriating. One of my greatest pet peeve is bloggers / authors / writers that, for reasons unfathonable, feel the need to share their entire life story before moving on to the actual content I came searching for.
You know the type… articles that require you to scroll through several swipes of self-serving drivel about a holiday they once took, before finally delivering the recipe for “The World’s Best Sangria’. Here’s the tip… if it’s school holidays, and I’m searching sangria recipes at 11am on a Tuesday, I don’t give a fuck about the long tiring train ride you took in Barcelona in 2013. I don’t care about your lost luggage, or your packing tips, or how to avoid road-side scammers. I care about your suggestions on how best to mix cut up fruit into my happy juice. Make with the recipe, and fuck off.
Don’t think the hypocrisy of me writing a scree about unrelated web annoyances on a blog dedicated to sex toys and male sexuality is lost on me. I know what I’m doing here makes me the exact thing I despise, and I’m doing it anyway.
I’m complex like that.
Circling back to what I am actually supposed to be writing about here, the Lelo Hugo P-Spot massager. Perhaps the most famous, and most highly rated, prostate toys available to the discerning gent. I’ve long lusted after one of my own, having heard and read so many good things… so when the team at Mylittlesecret asked if I had a preference on a product to review for them, I jumped at the opportunity.
My Little Secret
Let’s take a moment to explain that this post is supported by an amazing Australian adult shop Mylittlesecret. More importantly, it’s the perfect time to also explain that they had no influence on the content of the review. They were very clear about wanting an honest review, not a puff piece solely aimed at marketing their business.
Which is why I decided to work with them.
I have been approached by other outlets who have essentially wanted commissioned content that they controlled, wrapped in the guise of an independent review. Whilst that might be a great way to get access to free or subsidised adult toys (products I am passionate about, and literally cannot own enough of), I have an ethical issue with misrepresenting paid commentary as independent opinion.
I choose who I work with… and I choose to work with mylittlesecret.com.au because I like their ethos. I can’t recommend strongly enough for anyone reading this piece, go check their website out for themselves. They have made the active decision to only stock high quality items… no unsafe materials, cheap-and-nasty grey imports, no poorly designed disappointments. They only stock items which they are confident will do what the customer wants, in a safe way… so even the most inexperienced toy buyer can be assured that they aren’t spending their hard earned dollars on a dud gimmick or a piece of junk.
I appreciate this approach… putting the customers needs and experience above stocking a massive selection of cheap crap, competing with large online retailers through quality and not at price point.
Speaking of price point, it’s actually fantastic. Mylittlesecret prices its products at accessible and affordable levels… and are more than competitive. At time of writing, they have the Lelo Hugo for $269, which is actually slightly cheaper than the $275 it is currently listed at over at lovehoney for example.
I recognise that my effusive recommendation of Mylittlesecret is starting to sound like I’m a paid representative, or a spruiker on a home shopping network… it’s just that I feel pretty strongly about supporting any business that genuinely cares that their customers get what they want. Sex and sexuality is important, and finding businesses that share this ethos is both rare and important.
Which leads us to the present moment.
Right now I am standing in my kitchen, preparing dinner for the family. The kids are off at sports training, and I am enjoying the peace and quiet that only an empty house can provide. Whilst normally this would be the prefect time to crack out a new toy awaiting review and start to put it through its paces… I also know that dinner needs to be sorted.
Seeing as the Lelo Hugo provides the option to control via wireless remote control, why not do both?
Hence, I find myself (after the requisite hand washing) preparing my delicious home-made lasagne… to a background soundtrack faint buzzing of the Lelo Hugo ticking my most intimate of intimates.
Design & Use
The Hugo isn’t the worlds biggest p-massager. With a circumference of 4 inches, and an insertable length of around 5.5 inches, its smaller that some of my other toys. It’s probably the one thing that held me off purchasing this toy previously, no matter how much others raved about it… I just couldn’t fathom how the Hugo would achieve what so many other toys failed to do despite being larger.
I guess this is the perfect analogy for ‘size doesn’t matter’… because I honestly believe that Lelo got the dimensions on this just right.
The tapered tip makes insertion a breeze, and the famously silky Lelo silicone is as fantastic as everyone claims – providing enough texture that your lube of choice doesn’t slide right off, but not causing any ‘grippiness’ that makes it difficult or uncomfortable to insert or use. Again, as I have said before (and will continue to say) silicone lube is a no-go with silicone toys… use water based stuff here (and you will probably find a sample sachet of Lelo’s own water-based lube in your packaging). I know that there has been some recent debate that high quality silicone products can withstand silicone lubricant… but that hasn’t been my experience and I’m not willing to risk a $200 toy just so I don’t have to buy $10 of water based lube.
Once in, the positioning is absolutely pitch-perfect. It rests keenly on the prostate, without pushing hard against it and causing discomfort. With this ‘laser-guided’ positioning, it allows the vibrations of the unit to be directly transferred to where you need it… resulting in some intense stimulation.
The diameter of the product also allows for long-term comfortable use. Some of these kinds of these devices tend to be very ‘thick’, which stops them for being comfortable unless for the briefest of periods.
The Hugo employs two separate motors… one for internal direct stimulation, and the other in the external arm that rests against the perineum. The perineal massaging arm provides external vibration. It’s a standard design for devices of this type, however my experience with some other prostate massagers is that this external arm is relatively pointless… either the vibrations are too soft to provide any stimulation, or the arm itself it too long / short / hard / soft so as to be more annoying than exciting. I’m happy to say this isn’t the case with the Lelo – the sensation is enjoyable, though muted enough to not be distracting.
Controlling the unit is super simple. The Hugo employs a wireless, disc shaped, silicone covered controller, which allows you to control the device. The wireless controller is intuitive, responsive, and allows absolute pinpoint accuracy of the sensation you are after. It’s great to see a wireless controller for this kind of product… it means that you can accurately dial in what you want, without having to try and contort your body to press buttons on the main unit.
The sense-motion is a bit of fun, where the modes / strength of the vibrations doesn’t rely on you pushing the buttons but reacts according to how you hold or rotate the remote… but, to be honest, I felt it a bit of a gimmick, and got bored of it fairly quickly. The number of programmed vibration patterns (6) will have something for everyone, and I feel its better to just find the one you like, set it and forget it, and just enjoy the experience.
Mr Racy runs a great blog, and has written about the Hugo, and he does a great job explaining the vibration patterns of the Hugo.
‘…there are 6 (six) distinct patterns:
- A constant BZZZZZ
- A BZZZZ followed by a pause, then BZZZZ again. About a second for each step.
- A faster BZZZZ BZZZZ. Two buzzes and a pause. About twice as fast as pattern 2.
- A smooth, accelerating buzz. Starting at low and rolling all the way up to maximum intensity. Then it starts over and repeats.
- A smooth, accelerating up and down buzz. Similar to pattern 4, except this one rolls all the way up. Then all the way down. Then repeats.
- Random vibes. No pauses here. It randomly chooses different intensities, that last for about a second. Then it switches to the next one, automatically.
So, if my math is correct, that’s 72 DIFFERENT combinations to choose from! Not too shabby. Even the most stubborn prostate will orgasm with joy over this little guy.’
The device is waterproof, with a small silicone tip ensuring that water doesn’t enter the charging port… so feel free to use it in the shower, bath, spa, pool, or ocean 🙂 This also means that cleanup is a breeze.
The main unit contains its own internal battery, which you connect to the supplied cable in order to charge. It takes about 1.5 hours for a full charge, which lasts (in my testing) about 2 hours total use (though this will depend on how strong you have your vibrations). The remote requires a couple of AAA batteries to operate, and these are supplied in the box (something I always appreciate, nothing worse than opening a product and then having to either a) take a hurried trip to the supermarket, or b) raiding every tv remote or children’s toy in the house in the search for compatible batteries).
Also contained in the box (along with user manuals, etc) is a satin pouch for storing the device when not in use. This is useful – all silicone toys (to varying degrees) are dust magnets… they seem to go out of their way to attract every errant speck of dust, or hair, or unidentified fluff… so having a way to store the Hugo away from potential contaminants is appreciated.
Lelo, as a company, has some ethical problems
I would be remiss in this review if I didn’t, even in passing, refer to the issues that Lelo has seen themselves taken to task for in recent years.
I’m speaking primarily about their decision to employ Charlie Sheen to spruce their Hex condoms, not to mention the actual Hex condoms themselves as a product. There is a great piece about these issues from Dangerous Lilly which you can read here.
These issues should not be pushed aside, they need to be addressed. But I also recognise that you likely didn’t come to this article seeking my thoughts on them, you likely want to know my thoughts about the performance and experience of the Hugo.
I am impressed. The quality of the materials, the strength of the vibrations, the ease of use, and the effectiveness of the wireless remote are all standouts for me. It reaffirms my position that, like with almost any purchase, you get what you pay for with adult toys. Yes, Lelo are more expensive than many of the derivative products available, but the end result justifies the additional cost in my opinion. It’s like Apple products, whether you are a fanboy or not of the brand, its difficult to argue that they don’t ‘just work’.
I’m glad I finally have one to call my own. I think they’re a great piece of kit… and it’s definitely the best p-spot vibrator I have. There’s a reason that the design hasn’t changed for so many years, Lelo just have it right. There’s a reason that so much has been written about the Hugo, most of it glowing, and that’s because it does its job so well.
I recommend you buy one, I recommend you get it from Mylittlesecret, and I recommend you make my fantastic family lasagna (recipe below).
See… you really can force cooking recipes and sex blogs together… I told you I was complex.
So without further ado, here’s my recipe for Lasagne that I made for dinner tonight…
World’s Best Lasagne For When You’re Buzzing Your Man-Box
- 2 x teaspoons of olive oil
- 1 x brown onion, halved and finely chopped
- 2 x garlic cloves, crushed
- 750 grams of beef mince
- 2 x 400 gram cans of Italian diced tomatoes
- 125ml (half a cup) of dry red wine
- 55 (quarter of a cup) grams of tomato paste
- Salt and pepper
- Extra olive oil (for greasing)
- 4 x lasagna sheets (I use the store made fresh ones, but have also used the boxed instant ones with no issues)
- 55 grams (half a cup) of coarsely grated mozzarella cheese
- Mixed salad leaves for serving
- 1 litre (four cups) of milk
- 1 x brown onion, halved and coarsely chopped
- 8 x fresh parsley stalks
- 8 x whole black peppercorns
- 4 x whole cloves
- 2 x bay leaves
- 60 grams of butter
- 50 grams (third of a cup) of plain flour
- 70 grams (one cup) of finely grated Parmesan cheese
- Pinch of ground nutmeg
- Salt and ground white pepper
- Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium heat.
- Add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until onion softens.
- Add the mince and cook, stirring with a wooden spoon to break up any lumps, for 5 minutes or until mince changes colour.
- Add the tomato, wine and tomato paste, and bring to the boil.
- Reduce heat to low. Simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, for 30 minutes or until sauce thickens slightly.
- Remove from heat. Taste and season with salt and pepper.
- Meanwhile, to make the cheese sauce, combine the milk, onion, parsley stalks, peppercorns, cloves and bay leaves in a medium saucepan and bring to a simmer over medium heat.
- Remove from heat and set aside for 15 minutes to infuse.
- Strain the milk mixture through a fine sieve into a large jug.
- Discard solids.
- Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium-high heat until foaming.
- Add the flour and cook, stirring, for 1-2 minutes or until mixture bubbles and begins to come away from the side of the pan.
- Remove from heat.
- Gradually pour in half the milk, whisking constantly with a balloon whisk, until mixture is smooth.
- Gradually add the remaining milk, whisking until smooth and combined.
- Place saucepan over medium-high heat and bring to the boil, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, for 5 minutes or until sauce thickens and coats the back of the spoon.
- Remove from heat.
- Add the parmesan and stir until cheese melts.
- Taste and season with nutmeg, salt and white pepper.
- Preheat oven to 180°C.
- Brush a rectangular 3L (12 cup) capacity ovenproof dish with oil to lightly grease.
- Spread one-quarter of the bechamel sauce over the base of the prepared dish.
- Arrange 1 lasagne sheet over the sauce.
- Top with one-third of the mince mixture and one-third of the remaining bechamel sauce.
- Continue layering with the remaining lasagne sheets, mince mixture and bechamel, finishing with a layer of bechamel.
- Sprinkle with mozzarella.
- Place on a baking tray and bake in preheated oven for 40 minutes or until cheese melts, is golden brown, and the edges are bubbling.
- Remove from oven and set aside for 10 minutes to set.
- Cut the lasagne into 8 portions and serve with mixed salad leaves.
You’re welcome 🙂