It’s become abundantly clear that google is tracking me.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve now written a few pieces on adult products, gained a few followers, or my search history looks like something that should put me on a deviant watch list.

Seen here, excerpt from my google dossier

In any case, the ‘internets’ now serve me decidedly different adverts, deals, and items of interest. The ‘promotional’ section of my gmail account is truely a wonder to behold.

Equal parts titillating and wtf.

As a result, I now receive a number of ads for penis oils of various types… all promising me a bigger, thicker, more beautiful cock. One that could cut glass, smash concrete, and please any partner… likely at the same time as changing my flat tyre, mowing my lawn, and doing my taxes.

Tantalising. Truly an offer that can’t be refused.

So I didn’t. After all, this is the life I’ve chosen for myself.

I purchased three different types of miracle oils. Different brands, different sellers, all with the same or similar promises.

I awaited their delivery with baited breath (not least because my taxes are overdue, and I hate my accountant). In the interim, I researched what I was getting myself into.

The science...

You’ll no doubt be surprised to learn, as I was, that there are very few peer reviewed studies on the efficacy of rubbing your cock with an anonymous oil purchased off the internet at 3am.

Colour me shocked.

What I was able to find did not fill me with hope.

I found a piece on Healthline by Debra Rose Wilson that is almost frightening.

For example, she warns that these products are not regulated and that you shouldn’t use any oil containing the following (taken directly from Debra’s article):

  • Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA). DHEA is a steroid that naturally occurs in your body. But using DHEA supplements can increase your risk of cancer, lower good cholesterol levels, and affect your mental health.
  • Pregnanolone. This is another naturally occurring compound. But there’s no research to support pregnanolone for use in penis enlargement. It may also negatively affect your mental health.
  • Catuaba bark extract. This ingredient has shown some promise
    as an antidepressant, but no research indicates that it has any effect on your penis.
  • Hawthorn berry. This ingredient has some use as a treatment for heart disease, but it’s not proven to help with penis enlargement. Taking too much can cause dizziness, nausea, and dangerous interactions with cardiovascular medications.

Additionally, as with any potential irritant, she adds :

Not all supplements are unsafe, but uncomfortable and even permanent side effects are possible.

Some side effects are mild, including:

  • skin irritation
  • rash or bumps
  • fluid-filled blisters
  • itching or burning at the application site

These effects may go away a few hours or days after you stop using oils.

If you keep using the oils, these side effects can get worse or progress into more serious symptoms, including:

  • hives
  • pus or discharge from blisters or rash
  • infections in broken skin from scratching, which can also make you more susceptible to sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

The other important point to note is that you also need to be aware of how your partner may potentially react to these substances.

The most worrying of which is a severe allergic reaction – anaphylaxis – so tell your partner if you’re trying any of these kinds of products, and check in with them that they’re not experiencing any side effects. As with anything involving someone else, consent is key!

Whilst this research did not fill me with confidence, momma didn’t raise no quitter… so, when the oils arrived, I channeled my inner lab rat and got on with testing.


Again, my googling (ahhh… now I see why my computer thinks I’m a pervert!) showed that the bare minimum I could do to limit damage was a ‘spot test’.

Putting a drop of the oil on the inner arm, putting a bandaid over it, and going to sleep to see if there was any reaction over night.

If the skin flares up in any way – abort mission.

Luckily, either my skin is made of sterner stuff, or the oils don’t really have any active ingredients, because I awoke spot free and ready to take the testing to the next level.

My selection...

I purchased three different oils.

Saandhha Oil

Note the helpful illustration explaining the difference between a flaccid and an erect penis.
So helpful

Listed ingredients : 

  • Kalunji Oil – also called Nigella Sativa or Black Seed oil. Apparently useful for eczema, acne, and psoriasis 
  • Dhatura – part of the nightshade family, and extensively used in all manner of aphrodisiacs throughout history
  • Sura Sar – I was only able to find references to this as being an Ayurvedic herb. Many links took me back to this exact product, or ones remarkably similar.
  • Mustard Oil Base – acts as a carrier for the other ingredients.

Concerningly, this product promises to : Give Stronger, Harder & Powerful Erection Because She Like Pain

Not sure my wife ‘like pain’, but I was pretty sure I’d be able to control myself… no matter what suspect oil I’d slathered over my groin.

The reality

A red-tinged, slightly thick oil, with the sweet musky aroma of an Indian massage or incense. It’s easy to apply, smells nice, and absorbs well… although it does leave your cock looking slightly ‘orange’.

I was no harder, no larger, no thicker, and my tyres remained unchanged. 

Okeny’s Enlarge Oil

Why this man can only afford half an (unironed) shirt, and appears to be on fire from the waist down was lost on me.

This oil claims : ‘Improve sexual desire, gain more orgasms and promote sexual harmony, enjoying the pleasure of sex life’

Who wouldn’t immediately sign up for that??

Listed ingredients : 

  • Crocus Sativus – this is the flower that produces saffron which, in addition to being a great cooking ingredient has also shown benefit for erectile dysfunction (however the study used 200mg ingestible saffron), 
  • Lindera Strychnifolia – used in traditional Asian medicine to treat stomach and renal diseases, neuralgia, rheumatism, and aging
  • Atractyloides Chinensis – which Chinese medicine traditionally used to treat the spleen, common cold, and edema 
  • Panax Notoginseng – widely used in Chinese medicine for the treatment of cardiovascular disease, and I was able to find some studies that found it showed promise in treating erectile dysfunction
  • Angelica Archangelia – also known as wild celery, traditionally used for arthritis, peripheral vascular diseases, and premature ejaculation

The reality

A lighter oil, this one smells far less exotic… more like a run-of-the-mill massage oil. Again, easy to apply, and readily absorbed. 

I really like the smell, and I use it as a beard oil more often than a dick oil.

Whilst no concrete was smashed, it did work wonders for my skin… my downstairs mixup was soft, smooth, and moisturised.

Enlarge Oil

No effort spared at the marketing department for this product.
A: What do you reckon it does Keith?
B: Increase thickening and lasting
A: What should we call it?
B: Enlarge Oil
A: Fucking brilliant, that’s it then, everyone go home early today, Keith’s knocked this out of the park.

Promises include :

  • Helps to get rid of premature ejaculation effectively
  • A substantial increase in penile/penis length; significant growth from 20-40%
  • A substantial increase in the hardness of the penis with strong and powerful erection
  • Increased/Intense sexual pleasure for you and your partner
  • Aids in curing impotence and erections dysfunction
  • Boost sex life and performance

Listed ingredients :

  • Maca – from the maca root, probably one of the more we’ll known sexual health supplements and one that has shown success in trials, but primarily through ingestion
  • Jasmine – fragrance, and apparently used by Arabic kings through history to treat impotence
  • Sandalwood – fragrance, but also traditionally used to increase blood flow
  • Leeks – fragrance
  • Camellia seed – locks moisture in, smooths the skin
  • Jojoba oil – carrier oil and skin conditioner

The reality

This oil was probably the most stimulating of those I tried. It caused a pleasant warming sensation, and smelt a bit cinnamon-y.

Again, no matter how hard I pressed my junk against the shower screen, I was unable to cut glass.

Final thoughts

Dick oil is no different to most other penis enhancing products – be they pills, creams, or stretching exercises – mostly bullshit.

I think there may be an argument for a placebo effect – and if using them makes you feel sexier, with no unintended side effects for you or your partner, then have at it.

And I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t enjoyable standing in front of a mirror rubbing my cock for 5 minutes twice a day after a shower. The self massage alone is enough to promote blood flow.

But, for me anyway, the reality didn’t live up to the promises.

Maybe I’m not a good test monkey – with a healthy sized cock, and no erectile issues or problems with premature ejaculation, it’s not like I really had a baseline of dick dysfunction to compare to.

My junk worked fine before the oil, it continued to work much the same after it.

And I still have to pay an accountant to do my taxes.