From Brozilian, to mankini, to back-sack-n-crack… there’s a multitude of names for what is essentially a pretty straightforward act. It’s almost as if we blokes needed to masculinise the act in order to feel more comfortable with what has historically been a female (or, shock-horror, a gay) exercise.
I honestly don’t know why this is the case… was it men as a gender, or some idiot marketers trying to take the act mainstream? In any case, I think it’s obnoxious.
The internet is awash with videos of guys getting a Brazilian. Normally accompanied by a thumbnail of Steve Carell waxing his chest from ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’. All red faced and sweaty and swearing, while women titter at the ‘role reversal’.
We’ve all seen them… dudes lying on a table hamming it up screaming and swearing and jerking around as if they were being electrocuted… while one of their insipid mates shakily films the proceedings on a smartphone occasionally offering equally insipid commentary.
What a bunch of wankers.
I suspect these theatrics serve to prove how much pain these idiots were willing / capable of enduring. That, or it’s guys putting on a performance to protect their fragile heterosexuality.
I might be being incredibly unfair, but having recently undergone the procedure for the first time myself, I can unequivocally say that there is no reason for all of the carry on.
Ultimately, dear readers, these videos are lies. Peddled by idiots trying to posture for entertainment or their own egotistical purposes.
Having experienced the male brazilian, I can tell you one thing.
Why go hair free?
There’s a multitude of reasons that guys go ahead and weed-whack their downstairs mix up.
There are those who buy into the whole ‘it’ll look bigger’ argument. Don’t get me wrong, your cock will benefit from not having to rise out of the pubic weeds like like a phallic jungle explorer.
But ultimately, your hair likely only obscures the bottom inch or so of your dick so no amount of hair removal is going to make your average bloke look like Jeff Stryker.
There’s also the hygiene aspect… it’s cleaner and tidier… and who among us hasn’t driven down a neighbourhood and been impressed by a well tended lawn.
It’s kind of like that. Only it’s your dick.
It increases sensitivity… well, I personally feel it does. I’m not 100% sure this isn’t some kind of placebo effect… but I don’t care. We live in a world of perception, and I perceive that things feel better when everything’s smooth in my jocks.
Your partner will likely love it. This one is a bit subjective, but I’ve never had a girlfriend who didn’t appreciate the effort. I’m sure there are those out there who prefer their blokes to be all woolly and outdoorsy, and might feel manscaping is too metrosexual for their tastes. You know your partner better than me, so this is at your discretion. Mostly, I think it looks better.
Lost in the sands of hair-story
Ever since my university days I’ve preferred to keep my man-garden under control.
Historically I’ve achieved this via shaving, primarily limited to the balls and shaft. Occasionally I’ve gone for the whole kit-n-kaboodle, but that takes ages to do properly – and who has the time or inclination for that on a regular basis?
Pro tip – if you’re going to shave, I can whole-heartedly recommend a double edged safety razor like the Merkur, partnered with Feather razors and Taylor’s of Bond Street shaving cream. The end result is noticably better than a disposable Bic and whatever Gillette shaving gel is on special at your local supermarket. Easier, smoother, and no irritation or ingrown hairs… trust me, it’s the Bentley Continental of ball shave routines.
I have also tried depilatory cream, and I cannot stress this enough, once.
And for those of you at the back…
Not only did it fail to leave my nads as smooth as silk on shoeshine, it may literally have set my balls on fire. I’m not sure, I’m fairly certain I passed out
I also had to wear loose underwear for a week and walk as if I had recently shat myself no matter how much soothing cream or baby powder I employed. That’s how raw my nether regions felt.
So shaving it is. Only problem with this is regrowth. If you’re not shaving every second or third day, the ‘ball-itch’ that accompanies your ‘ball-stubble’ is what I assume can only be replicated by a serious STI.
In my effort to avoid this experience, I bit the bullet and decided to put my faith (and junk) in the hands of my local professional waxers.
How’d that go?
Surprisingly well, and thank you for asking.
Booking was a breeze. I thought that maybe the waxer might think I was weird, or some kind of pervert (which I am)… but they were actually very easy going.
Apparently men’s waxing is now fairly mainstream… whereas it may have been predominantly the gay community engaging these services 10 years ago (and good on them, I salute these trailblazers), these days more and more heterosexual guys are taking the time for – and placing importance on – their hair removal needs.
My waxers ensured that I was comfortable at the appointment – friendly conversation, and clear guidance as to what to expect. From there I was left alone in the room to ‘prepare’… nude-ing up and giving everything a quick once over with a couple of pre-moistened wipes.
Before I knew it, I was lying down on the waxing table with two young ladies pulling and stretching my gear in every direction, keeping the skin taught whilst applying the wax and getting on with the job.
It’s not the most flattering of poses, lying in your back with your feet pressed together and your knees out to the side (making a diamond shape with your legs)… but it was obvious that this wasn’t my waxers first rodeo, the banter was flowing, the hair was disappearing, and it was all remarkably pain free.
Seriously, I’ve experienced more discomfort listening to talkback radio.
Each quick pull of the wax is quickly followed with a firm press of the waxers palm.
Then came the question… ‘Do you want to do the butt-crack also?’
Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders… in for a penny in for a pound.
This requires you to hug your knees to your chest – fully exposing your chocolate starfish to a woman who is likely now questioning their life choices to this point.
Less than a minute later and it was all done… I had been deforested at a rate rivalled only by the Amazon.
A quick application of some after-wax antibacterial moisturising oil to dissolve any residue and protect the skin, then it’s clothes on, payment made, and out the door with a spring in your step and an increased awareness of how good everything feels being so smooth.
Tips for new players
Pain – not really an issue. Forget all the bullshit videos on the internet and the horror stories. Sure, every individual has different pain thresholds, so if you’re really worried a couple of painkillers 30 minutes before can take the edge off.
Embarrassment – again, you’re not the first guy your waxer has done this to… likely not even the first guy that day. Don’t worry, they’re professional. In any case, what do you care… you’re not looking for a new best friend, just someone to rip the hair from your balls, taint, and arse.
Design – my junk is as hairfree as Jason Stathams handsome dome, but you can choose any number of styles. Here’s a few options for your consideration
What if I get hard – good luck to you! I reckon it would take a special kind of bloke to get a rager while someone rips the hair out of his crotch from the roots, but if you do just laugh it off. It may even make it easier to get the job done… like pulling the skin tight on your jaw makes shaving easier
Ingrown hairs – don’t exfoliate or soap up for 24 to 48 hours, you’ll just irritate your freshly exposed skin. Avoid spas, pools, and baths for about the same time. After that, your normal shower routine should be okay, and running a washcloth over the area (don’t scrub) should be more than sufficient. You can get after-wax products at the waxers, or most supermarkets / pharmacies if you really want to go the extra mile 🙂
Both I and my wife are a fan of the end result, and it’s a lot more effective than my previous shaving routine.
I’ve already made my follow up appointment for 4 weeks time, so that probably speaks for itself.